Condoms for healthy sex choices?

(This is my reaction to my previous blog post, an article from an online international news site)

Many of my PCV teacher friends and I have had this question in our own classrooms and lessons. There is a common strategy in safe sex teachings called ABC: Abstinence, Being faithful, and Condoms. In America most of us learn about all of these options by high school (about 15-18 years old).

Rwanda is a very religious country, with many schools ran or supported by churches that advocate AB (abstinence and being faithful) only. With the vast majority of people proclaiming religious reasons and moral obligations against teaching condom use, they haven't provided the people with any real solutions to prevent AIDS, disease, and unwanted pregnancy.

Fortunately or unfortunately, this culture has a long history and love affair with sex. Long, long ago it was common practice for fathers marrying off their sons to force the young soon-to-be-bride to sleep with them; if she refused, the old man would advise his son against marrying her saying she wasn't obedient or whatever. Not as long ago, men would take several wives, depending on their capacity to support the women and children. Still today, most young people (those in secondary school, about 15+ years old) are actively engaging in sexual activities. It's often accepted by wives that their men have other women on the side; men proposition countless women on a daily basis, and girls often flirt with men. Older women either not satisfied by their husbands or widowed, may take a younger man to "show him the ropes" or just for the pleasure; there is even a word in Kinyarwanda that roughly translates to "a vigorous young man with the necessary capacity to satisfy an older woman". Young girls are often engaged in the horizontal tango with older men, aka Sugar Daddies, who in turn pay their school fees or give them lotions, phones, or other things their families can't afford. In a recent, independent survey I took, (30 participants, 50% male, 50% female, 5 participants in each of the following age categories: 14-20, 21-25, 26-30, 31-35, 36-40, 41+) 100% of girls aged 14-20 believe it is ok to have sex in exchange for goods.

Not a day goes by that I don't hear or am on the receiving end of some sort of sexual joke. It seems to be on many people's minds and tips of tongues.

But ALL of these activities are very hushed to be sure that the religious aspect of life shows through.

Accordingly, there are many not-so-miraculous conceptions all around the country, AIDS is spreading around the continent, and diseases are running rampantly.

I could be wrong but strongly believe that there are many unreported sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including AIDS. Possibly like many westerners, locals may not enjoy going to the doctor. In casual conversation I've been told that having AIDS or other STIs as an adult is not important: he/she has already lived his/her life and will die anyway; now they just focus on farming and providing for their children (breaks my heart). Another person, a health care professional, explained to me that AIDS is the "common cold of Africa" and that everyone has it.

Some of the cases I've seen are truly heart-breaking:

Sandrine (her name has been changed--as have all names appearing here) is a secondary school student (7th-12th grade in USA equivalent) who just wasn't getting high enough grades to pass on to the next level. Like others before her, she approached her teacher to "discuss" her options...9 months later she was out of school anyway due to pregnancy.

Esperance (her name has been changed) is also a secondary school student, so proud of her good grades, her pretty clothes, family love, and her new boyfriend. She was so in love with him! Then he pulled all the cards on her: if you love me, you'll sleep with me; if you don't sleep with me, I'll leave you; everybody's doing it! So she did it. It's illegal to get abortions in Rwanda, so she begged her teacher (one of my PCV colleagues) to help her go to Uganda for an abortion claiming how badly her life would be ruined if she had a baby: her parents would beat then abandon her; she wouldn't be able to study; her boyfriend already left her because he has no money and doesn't want a child. Esperance left school and hasn't been back, so we don't know if she gave birth, got an abortion and lived, or, like most in her position, got an abortion and died.

Marie Claire (her name has been changed) had already graduated from secondary school when she moved to a new town for her first job. She immediately fell in love and got pregnant. Though her lover won't acknowledge the baby, he is still seen leaving her house at all hours of the night, she still loves him, and is waiting for him to make it official...meanwhile he's out flirting with other girls. Marie Claire still has her job but has had an unnecessarily hard fight: her parents told her to leave work, but she refused to give up a salary that could support her and her baby girl; she's publicly gossiped about by her lover; the community talks behind her back then smiles to her face. Its like the drama, self-doubt, self-hatred, and majority-party voracious desire to destroy of junior high (who can explain it? but no one can escape it). At least in junior high you went back home and your mom or friends could make you feel better; poor Marie Claire lives there and has no escape.

Condom use, in my opinion, is 110% necessary in this country, on this continent, in the world. Though my personal choices are AB, I, we, policy makers, have to accept that those are NOT the popular choices. No matter how much people say they only want AB, the hoi polloi is having sexual relations outside of those parameters and the people are doing nothing to protect themselves.