I love Rwanda. Let me just say that. Africa is a wonderful place with lots to offer and wonderful people. But there are also things that get under my (already Africa-thickened) skin:
1. One cannot give compliments. It's very, VERY rare. They'd rather insult you as a joke and call it a good day. "Michele, why do you look like you just got out of bed? You look awful." "Go back to America, we don't want you here." Yes. Very Funny. Ha.
2. High power distance. People simply accept and unquestioningly yield to social status. The poor see themselves as less powerful, worthy, or influential. Not just accepting the rich as rich or the powerful as powerful. But also accepting yourself as powerless. Helpless. And insignificant. Unquestioningly. Just accepted.
3. A large measure of ignorance and a love of generalizations. "All white people have money, you can give me some, too." "You're intelligent because white people are rich and have no problems."
4. Girls, women, all females CANNOT whistle. Sometimes I do it any way, because its such a part of my family life (thanks, Dad) and I elicit looks and comments of horror and scandal!
5.The first thing asked of you is if you're married. Then, old men proceed to tell you if they weren't already married, they'd take you up! Young men say they're going to marry you. Its weird the first time. Funny the second. But just annoying thereafter.
6. Men and women can't be just friends. When ALL people adhere to this standard, keep this expectation, and act on it, there just aren't any men/women friendships. EVERY man and women only enter into a cross-gender relationship TO have sex. (Ok, not 100%, but the vast majority)
7. In everyone's claim to be super religious, pre-marital sex is harshly criticized. Young women that get pregnant without a husband are socially ostracized, gossiped about and can't really fit in to society as well as others.
8. Despite the above, an estimated 99% of teens and adults--married or not-- have sexual relations on a regular basis. They even tease, mock, and pressure those who don't. Young men will leave their girlfriends if they don't sleep with them. Girls are pressured by society, family, and friends to have a boyfriend and marry, so they feel trapped to sleep with a boyfriend or be left and consequently publicly disgraced.
9. Pretty much all married men also have a lover. Or 2. Or 3. on the side. Sometimes the wife knows who, sometimes not. But she pretty much takes it for granted that he's got someone else.
10.Rwandans--in general-- are very racist. The first thing they see is skin. Apparently, according to local belief, ALL people fit into two categories: Tutsi and Hutu (yes, 2 of the 3 ethnic groups terrorized by Genocide in 1994: Hutu majority slaughtered the Tutsi minority and any Hutu sympathizers). So, your average Rwandan will see a white person and categorize him as either a "White Tutsi" or a "White Hutu". Or about each other, "All Hutus lie!" or "All Tutsi are racist!" (I've heard BOTH in conversation)
11. Its normal, acceptable behavior to harass foreigners in the street. Not just begging, but mocking accents, pointing, staring, laughing at, and general rude (to a Western standard) behavior.
12. Rwandans don't like or trust foreigners. At first I wasn't sure. But I was told by 2 independent sources who are very trusted in my life, respected in the community, and honest people. Common Rwandans blame all white people for the Genocide. Other Africans are seen as leeches that have come to take from Rwanda.
13.When an outsider becomes very integrated into Rwandan culture and Rwandans recognize this, the FIRST quality is always the ability to lie. "Oh! That muzungu (white person) is soooo Rwandan: she knows how to lie!"
14. People do not help you out. Like if you're in trouble in the street, people would rather watch you get beaten, harassed, or abused than do anything about it.
15. People only seem to want you around as long as there is the hope of getting something from you: money. Marriage. Visa. Materials. Anything. Once they realize that you won't give, they're pretty much done with you. There are (thank God) some who are just nice people who are interested in your mind, heart, and thoughts, regardless of your giving or not giving.
16.People like to talk. They'll make a point. Then illustrate it. Then give an example. Then say it again in different words. Then give another example. Then explain what they mean. Then reiterate their point. And OMG its beating the danged dead horse over and over and over again. Meanwhile I can zone out and think about what I want to make for dinner and what I need to buy beforehand, contemplate my next steps in life, and remember pleasant family vacations from my youth. When I come to again, HE'S STILL MAKING HIS POINT.
Ok, my ranting is over. I promise to share all the things I love about this place, too. EVERY culture and country have good things and challenging things, and its beneficial to recognize both.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Wedding in Bungwe
Every place I've ever lived I've been so blessed to have a family there. As part of global humanity (yes, I'm quite idealistic), I've always been able to find people around me that accept me as their own and make me part of their family, and they become part of mine. That said, this is my big sister's wedding.
The Civil Ceremony
Around noon Innocent (the groom) came to pick us up at Dative's (my sister's), house to go to the Sector Office (local authorities). He came in a rented car (very typical) with a camera man (also totally normal) to get Dative, her Matron of Honor (someone like a godmother, a necessity in every Rwandan wedding), and two bridesmaids (me and another Rwandan girl, a longtime friend of Dative's).
We sat and listened for an hour to the local authorities discuss what marriage is and each person's role: mostly about togetherness, sharing, and respect. One thing stood out to me: it is legally WRONG for either person to deny sex to his/her partner. Of course he had to use examples to illustrate each point he made, so he said, "Well, Dative, you're a nurse. You can't come home one day and say, 'No, not tonight, I healed so many people at work today, I'm exhausted.' Work is work, you have to do yours." (Work being his "polite" way of saying sex)
After listening and learning, each had to hold a corner of the Rwandan flag, hold up the right hand (yes, holding it up that high is the local fashion) and read a short text saying that they accept________ (spouse's name) as husband/wife forever, etc. They both sign, we all clap and congratulate, then go outside for picture taking, as seen here.
The Cow Giving Ceremony
From there we all piled back into the cars--there were 5 in our parade (one was a 24-seater bus full of his family members)--to go from the office to Bungwe (home) for the dowry ceremony. There, we girls went inside to change into traditional Rwandan clothes and wait for our cue to exit.
Meanwhile, the bride's family, friends, representatives, etc. are all sitting under the tents, waiting to accept the groom's family, friends, delegation, etc. Each group sits on different sides of the compound, each with specific people with roles in the ceremony. The most vocal are: the MC (if available, usually only richer people seem to have one), an elder from the girl's side who directs, narrates, etc.; an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the girl, and an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the guy.
As the man's family presents their request for their son to marry the other's daughter, giving gifts and kind words, the two "old men" talk, banter, make jokes, and discuss, all in the traditional effort of measuring the humor, intelligence, and wit of the other family to see if they're worthy of their son/daughter. Though I've never seen it, I've been told that weddings have been canceled/postponed because one side or the other (usually the bride's side) doesn't accept the other's offer.
Once the groom's family has made their offer, giving a hoe or two for farming, a jerry can for beer, and other traditional symbolic items, we get the piece de resistance: the cow. The going rate for a well-educated girl is a cow plus about 400,000RWF (about $800.00). Or the equivalent in just cash. (Though if they opt to give only cash, the groom and a small delegation will likely come before hand, as Innocent had done the week before)
This man in a white robe with a stick and grass in his hand is the official Cow Inspector, or Singer of Cow Praises. He has (presumably) seen, inspected, and deemed the cow worthy of the dowry, and is now singing its praises into the microphone, so everyone knows its a good cow.
Let's say the old man from the groom's side is really witty and funny, and the old man from the bride's side gets along really well with him: the bride's family accepts the groom's offer. They ask for the name of the girl he wants to marry, he says it and they agree, they have a daughter by that name. So they bring out..... two little girls about 5 years old! Everyone laughs, the groom says, "No, not THAT Dative, the OTHER Dative!" its all a great joke (that happens at EVERY wedding) and everyone loves how cute the girls are.
More witty banter, more long winded speeches, and lots of happy people, THEN they call out the bride. She comes out with her attendants, each of them holding a symbolic traditional gift for a member of the groom's family: there's always a basket for the mom, a woven grass rug for an elder, a hat and cane for the dad, and a secret for the groom--I think its underwear.
The groom also has attendants with gifts for the bride's family and for the bride. The ceremony of giving gifts culminates in him giving her a bouquet of flowers with an engagement ring in a miniature basket tucked inside the flowers (Dative's is a gorgeous golden ring elegantly set with a giant diamond).
More speeches, witty banter, and long-winded African speeches about the families and togetherness (well, not too long: since all the work is done now everyone wants to get a move on!) and we eat a feast. The bride's family gives the groom's family some more drinks as gifts to take with them, and there's more jokes and laughter; here the old man said his girl the nurse (Dative) has provided some good medicine to heal any problem: wine, beers, and local equivalents to vodka.
Then the wedding is over, the bride and groom are officially married, and we all get to go home. But not before the two of them come inside with the elders in their family for a bottle of champagne and more drinks.
I loved being with my big sister to support and help her with such a big step in life. (I also loved feeling like a My-Size Barbie doll playing dress up. LOVED IT!)
The Civil Ceremony
Around noon Innocent (the groom) came to pick us up at Dative's (my sister's), house to go to the Sector Office (local authorities). He came in a rented car (very typical) with a camera man (also totally normal) to get Dative, her Matron of Honor (someone like a godmother, a necessity in every Rwandan wedding), and two bridesmaids (me and another Rwandan girl, a longtime friend of Dative's).
We sat and listened for an hour to the local authorities discuss what marriage is and each person's role: mostly about togetherness, sharing, and respect. One thing stood out to me: it is legally WRONG for either person to deny sex to his/her partner. Of course he had to use examples to illustrate each point he made, so he said, "Well, Dative, you're a nurse. You can't come home one day and say, 'No, not tonight, I healed so many people at work today, I'm exhausted.' Work is work, you have to do yours." (Work being his "polite" way of saying sex)
After listening and learning, each had to hold a corner of the Rwandan flag, hold up the right hand (yes, holding it up that high is the local fashion) and read a short text saying that they accept________ (spouse's name) as husband/wife forever, etc. They both sign, we all clap and congratulate, then go outside for picture taking, as seen here.
The Cow Giving Ceremony
From there we all piled back into the cars--there were 5 in our parade (one was a 24-seater bus full of his family members)--to go from the office to Bungwe (home) for the dowry ceremony. There, we girls went inside to change into traditional Rwandan clothes and wait for our cue to exit.
Meanwhile, the bride's family, friends, representatives, etc. are all sitting under the tents, waiting to accept the groom's family, friends, delegation, etc. Each group sits on different sides of the compound, each with specific people with roles in the ceremony. The most vocal are: the MC (if available, usually only richer people seem to have one), an elder from the girl's side who directs, narrates, etc.; an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the girl, and an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the guy.
As the man's family presents their request for their son to marry the other's daughter, giving gifts and kind words, the two "old men" talk, banter, make jokes, and discuss, all in the traditional effort of measuring the humor, intelligence, and wit of the other family to see if they're worthy of their son/daughter. Though I've never seen it, I've been told that weddings have been canceled/postponed because one side or the other (usually the bride's side) doesn't accept the other's offer.
Once the groom's family has made their offer, giving a hoe or two for farming, a jerry can for beer, and other traditional symbolic items, we get the piece de resistance: the cow. The going rate for a well-educated girl is a cow plus about 400,000RWF (about $800.00). Or the equivalent in just cash. (Though if they opt to give only cash, the groom and a small delegation will likely come before hand, as Innocent had done the week before)
This man in a white robe with a stick and grass in his hand is the official Cow Inspector, or Singer of Cow Praises. He has (presumably) seen, inspected, and deemed the cow worthy of the dowry, and is now singing its praises into the microphone, so everyone knows its a good cow.
Let's say the old man from the groom's side is really witty and funny, and the old man from the bride's side gets along really well with him: the bride's family accepts the groom's offer. They ask for the name of the girl he wants to marry, he says it and they agree, they have a daughter by that name. So they bring out..... two little girls about 5 years old! Everyone laughs, the groom says, "No, not THAT Dative, the OTHER Dative!" its all a great joke (that happens at EVERY wedding) and everyone loves how cute the girls are.
More witty banter, more long winded speeches, and lots of happy people, THEN they call out the bride. She comes out with her attendants, each of them holding a symbolic traditional gift for a member of the groom's family: there's always a basket for the mom, a woven grass rug for an elder, a hat and cane for the dad, and a secret for the groom--I think its underwear.
The groom also has attendants with gifts for the bride's family and for the bride. The ceremony of giving gifts culminates in him giving her a bouquet of flowers with an engagement ring in a miniature basket tucked inside the flowers (Dative's is a gorgeous golden ring elegantly set with a giant diamond).
More speeches, witty banter, and long-winded African speeches about the families and togetherness (well, not too long: since all the work is done now everyone wants to get a move on!) and we eat a feast. The bride's family gives the groom's family some more drinks as gifts to take with them, and there's more jokes and laughter; here the old man said his girl the nurse (Dative) has provided some good medicine to heal any problem: wine, beers, and local equivalents to vodka.
Then the wedding is over, the bride and groom are officially married, and we all get to go home. But not before the two of them come inside with the elders in their family for a bottle of champagne and more drinks.
I loved being with my big sister to support and help her with such a big step in life. (I also loved feeling like a My-Size Barbie doll playing dress up. LOVED IT!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
