Wedding in Bungwe

Every place I've ever lived I've been so blessed to have a family there. As part of global humanity (yes, I'm quite idealistic), I've always been able to find people around me that accept me as their own and make me part of their family, and they become part of mine. That said, this is my big sister's wedding.

The Civil Ceremony
Around noon Innocent (the groom) came to pick us up at Dative's (my sister's), house to go to the Sector Office (local authorities). He came in a rented car (very typical) with a camera man (also totally normal) to get Dative, her Matron of Honor (someone like a godmother, a necessity in every Rwandan wedding), and two bridesmaids (me and another Rwandan girl, a longtime friend of Dative's).



We sat and listened for an hour to the local authorities discuss what marriage is and each person's role: mostly about togetherness, sharing, and respect. One thing stood out to me: it is legally WRONG for either person to deny sex to his/her partner. Of course he had to use examples to illustrate each point he made, so he said, "Well, Dative, you're a nurse. You can't come home one day and say, 'No, not tonight, I healed so many people at work today, I'm exhausted.' Work is work, you have to do yours." (Work being his "polite" way of saying sex)



After listening and learning, each had to hold a corner of the Rwandan flag, hold up the right hand (yes, holding it up that high is the local fashion) and read a short text saying that they accept________ (spouse's name) as husband/wife forever, etc. They both sign, we all clap and congratulate, then go outside for picture taking, as seen here.


The Cow Giving Ceremony
From there we all piled back into the cars--there were 5 in our parade (one was a 24-seater bus full of his family members)--to go from the office to Bungwe (home) for the dowry ceremony. There, we girls went inside to change into traditional Rwandan clothes and wait for our cue to exit.


Meanwhile, the bride's family, friends, representatives, etc. are all sitting under the tents, waiting to accept the groom's family, friends, delegation, etc. Each group sits on different sides of the compound, each with specific people with roles in the ceremony. The most vocal are: the MC (if available, usually only richer people seem to have one), an elder from the girl's side who directs, narrates, etc.; an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the girl, and an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the guy.

As the man's family presents their request for their son to marry the other's daughter, giving gifts and kind words, the two "old men" talk, banter, make jokes, and discuss, all in the traditional effort of measuring the humor, intelligence, and wit of the other family to see if they're worthy of their son/daughter. Though I've never seen it, I've been told that weddings have been canceled/postponed because one side or the other (usually the bride's side) doesn't accept the other's offer.



Once the groom's family has made their offer, giving a hoe or two for farming, a jerry can for beer, and other traditional symbolic items, we get the piece de resistance: the cow. The going rate for a well-educated girl is a cow plus about 400,000RWF (about $800.00). Or the equivalent in just cash. (Though if they opt to give only cash, the groom and a small delegation will likely come before hand, as Innocent had done the week before)

This man in a white robe with a stick and grass in his hand is the official Cow Inspector, or Singer of Cow Praises. He has (presumably) seen, inspected, and deemed the cow worthy of the dowry, and is now singing its praises into the microphone, so everyone knows its a good cow.



Let's say the old man from the groom's side is really witty and funny, and the old man from the bride's side gets along really well with him: the bride's family accepts the groom's offer. They ask for the name of the girl he wants to marry, he says it and they agree, they have a daughter by that name. So they bring out..... two little girls about 5 years old! Everyone laughs, the groom says, "No, not THAT Dative, the OTHER Dative!" its all a great joke (that happens at EVERY wedding) and everyone loves how cute the girls are.



More witty banter, more long winded speeches, and lots of happy people, THEN they call out the bride. She comes out with her attendants, each of them holding a symbolic traditional gift for a member of the groom's family: there's always a basket for the mom, a woven grass rug for an elder, a hat and cane for the dad, and a secret for the groom--I think its underwear.



The groom also has attendants with gifts for the bride's family and for the bride. The ceremony of giving gifts culminates in him giving her a bouquet of flowers with an engagement ring in a miniature basket tucked inside the flowers (Dative's is a gorgeous golden ring elegantly set with a giant diamond).



More speeches, witty banter, and long-winded African speeches about the families and togetherness (well, not too long: since all the work is done now everyone wants to get a move on!) and we eat a feast. The bride's family gives the groom's family some more drinks as gifts to take with them, and there's more jokes and laughter; here the old man said his girl the nurse (Dative) has provided some good medicine to heal any problem: wine, beers, and local equivalents to vodka.



Then the wedding is over, the bride and groom are officially married, and we all get to go home. But not before the two of them come inside with the elders in their family for a bottle of champagne and more drinks.




I loved being with my big sister to support and help her with such a big step in life. (I also loved feeling like a My-Size Barbie doll playing dress up. LOVED IT!)