Life Plan B: Staying in Rwanda

My Peace Corps contract is over on January 4th, 2012 and until them I'm working on my CV, networking with local big-wigs, and looking for a job in Kigali. I feel like I have so many capabilities that can be utilized well in Rwanda: language capacity, cultural understanding, situational adaptation, along with a western education make my skills set ripe for the region! I want to use these gifts I have to the FULLEST, maximizing the impact of good programs --and even my presence-- to make the biggest difference in the lives of every day people who are suffering and in need.

Does that make sense?

I hope you can understand my dilemma: I love you all. I miss you all. I dream about you all the time. I want to be where you are. I want to laugh with my brother and sister. I want to sit around with my dad. I want to have heart-to-hearts with my mom. I want to listen to Grandma's ideas. I want to be spoiled by Nana. I want to take 30 minutes to hug and say hello to our families at holidays and gatherings.

But I also want to help create that kind of love that we have amongst people who have no idea it even exists. Can you imagine a sadder life? We are so blessed to have not only our freedoms and material wealth, but more so to have our family, friends, love, happiness, joy, hope, and ideals. And this place is largely devoid of all of that. I think government corruption might always exist in Africa, and the people might stay poor forever. But the deep-seeded hopelessness, hate, distrust, coldness, and lack of education is so unnecessary and a problem that can be addressed.

Rwanda is actually a nation that does things. They are seen by international workers as a model of accomplishing positive change. They're making things happen and I feel hopeful for the work here. They've come a long way since the 1994 Genocide in rebuilding their nation, but I want to help them rebuild themselves (its especially sad to see the secondary trauma affecting the youth born after the Genocide--they weren't in or even near the War but are being raised by parents and a society that were severely traumatized by it).

Please understand how hard it was--and is-- for me to decide to look for work in Kigali, even if it is for just a short time (could be a few months or indefinitely).

Oh, I forgot to tell you The Plan! Life Plan B: look for a job in Kigali. See if I DO like international development and want to make a career of it. If I do, get a masters in something related. If I don't, I'll go back to Life Plan A: travel through Asia to California and become a school counselor. Unless of course a New Life Plan occurs to me :)

So my dear family and friends, I hope we hung out in August cause I can't say when we'll see each other again!

Condoms for healthy sex choices?

(This is my reaction to my previous blog post, an article from an online international news site)

Many of my PCV teacher friends and I have had this question in our own classrooms and lessons. There is a common strategy in safe sex teachings called ABC: Abstinence, Being faithful, and Condoms. In America most of us learn about all of these options by high school (about 15-18 years old).

Rwanda is a very religious country, with many schools ran or supported by churches that advocate AB (abstinence and being faithful) only. With the vast majority of people proclaiming religious reasons and moral obligations against teaching condom use, they haven't provided the people with any real solutions to prevent AIDS, disease, and unwanted pregnancy.

Fortunately or unfortunately, this culture has a long history and love affair with sex. Long, long ago it was common practice for fathers marrying off their sons to force the young soon-to-be-bride to sleep with them; if she refused, the old man would advise his son against marrying her saying she wasn't obedient or whatever. Not as long ago, men would take several wives, depending on their capacity to support the women and children. Still today, most young people (those in secondary school, about 15+ years old) are actively engaging in sexual activities. It's often accepted by wives that their men have other women on the side; men proposition countless women on a daily basis, and girls often flirt with men. Older women either not satisfied by their husbands or widowed, may take a younger man to "show him the ropes" or just for the pleasure; there is even a word in Kinyarwanda that roughly translates to "a vigorous young man with the necessary capacity to satisfy an older woman". Young girls are often engaged in the horizontal tango with older men, aka Sugar Daddies, who in turn pay their school fees or give them lotions, phones, or other things their families can't afford. In a recent, independent survey I took, (30 participants, 50% male, 50% female, 5 participants in each of the following age categories: 14-20, 21-25, 26-30, 31-35, 36-40, 41+) 100% of girls aged 14-20 believe it is ok to have sex in exchange for goods.

Not a day goes by that I don't hear or am on the receiving end of some sort of sexual joke. It seems to be on many people's minds and tips of tongues.

But ALL of these activities are very hushed to be sure that the religious aspect of life shows through.

Accordingly, there are many not-so-miraculous conceptions all around the country, AIDS is spreading around the continent, and diseases are running rampantly.

I could be wrong but strongly believe that there are many unreported sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including AIDS. Possibly like many westerners, locals may not enjoy going to the doctor. In casual conversation I've been told that having AIDS or other STIs as an adult is not important: he/she has already lived his/her life and will die anyway; now they just focus on farming and providing for their children (breaks my heart). Another person, a health care professional, explained to me that AIDS is the "common cold of Africa" and that everyone has it.

Some of the cases I've seen are truly heart-breaking:

Sandrine (her name has been changed--as have all names appearing here) is a secondary school student (7th-12th grade in USA equivalent) who just wasn't getting high enough grades to pass on to the next level. Like others before her, she approached her teacher to "discuss" her options...9 months later she was out of school anyway due to pregnancy.

Esperance (her name has been changed) is also a secondary school student, so proud of her good grades, her pretty clothes, family love, and her new boyfriend. She was so in love with him! Then he pulled all the cards on her: if you love me, you'll sleep with me; if you don't sleep with me, I'll leave you; everybody's doing it! So she did it. It's illegal to get abortions in Rwanda, so she begged her teacher (one of my PCV colleagues) to help her go to Uganda for an abortion claiming how badly her life would be ruined if she had a baby: her parents would beat then abandon her; she wouldn't be able to study; her boyfriend already left her because he has no money and doesn't want a child. Esperance left school and hasn't been back, so we don't know if she gave birth, got an abortion and lived, or, like most in her position, got an abortion and died.

Marie Claire (her name has been changed) had already graduated from secondary school when she moved to a new town for her first job. She immediately fell in love and got pregnant. Though her lover won't acknowledge the baby, he is still seen leaving her house at all hours of the night, she still loves him, and is waiting for him to make it official...meanwhile he's out flirting with other girls. Marie Claire still has her job but has had an unnecessarily hard fight: her parents told her to leave work, but she refused to give up a salary that could support her and her baby girl; she's publicly gossiped about by her lover; the community talks behind her back then smiles to her face. Its like the drama, self-doubt, self-hatred, and majority-party voracious desire to destroy of junior high (who can explain it? but no one can escape it). At least in junior high you went back home and your mom or friends could make you feel better; poor Marie Claire lives there and has no escape.

Condom use, in my opinion, is 110% necessary in this country, on this continent, in the world. Though my personal choices are AB, I, we, policy makers, have to accept that those are NOT the popular choices. No matter how much people say they only want AB, the hoi polloi is having sexual relations outside of those parameters and the people are doing nothing to protect themselves.

Parents, teachers divided over condom initiative

This is an article a friend emailed to me (my own on-the-ground views will follow in the next posting):

http://www.plusnews.org/Country.aspx?Country=RW

KIGALI, 24 October 2011 (PlusNews) - A proposed initiative to distribute condoms to Rwandan secondary school students has divided parents, teachers and other members of society, with some cheering the plan and others concerned that teens are not mature enough to use condoms responsibly.
Local NGOs, including Health Development Initiative (HDI-Rwanda), Rwanda NGOs Forum on HIV/AIDS and Health Promotion, and Association Ihorere Munyarwanda are fronting the initiative on the grounds that young people must be protected from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.

"We developed the idea for this project following numerous secondary school students' complaints [about lack of access to condoms]," HDI Rwanda's Cassien Havugimana said during the launch of the campaign in September in the capital, Kigali. "But for effectiveness, behavioural change awareness must accompany access to the materials needed for safe sex."

In November, the campaign plans to carry out mass mobilization and awareness-raising for stakeholders including school heads, teachers and local officials. If the government gives the NGOs the go-ahead, condom distribution should start in December; the NGOs aim to reach the entire country, but will start with secondary schools in Kigali.

According to HDI-Rwanda's communications officer Christine Calouro, any distribution would be accompanied by education on abstinence as a preferred choice for young people and with additional reproductive health information.
Some secondary school officials have already expressed their vehement opposition to the idea of condoms being handed out to their students.
Missed response

"I don't believe in condoms being distributed in secondary schools... It's a no go zone," Innocent Nshimiyemungu, deputy head teacher at Kigali's Lycée de Ruhengeri APICUR, told IRIN/PlusNews. "The children are, in the first place, not mature enough to know how to use condoms."
We should emphasize postponement of sexual activity by encouraging these young people to embrace abstinence. How do I start encouraging my young girls to engage in sexual activity instead of concentrating on academics?

"We should promote abstinence instead, and introduce condoms at a higher level - say universities and other higher institutions of learning," he added.
Edward Asiimwe, a father of two girls of secondary school age, is also against the proposal.

"To say that condoms be introduced to these young children means we have lost our sense of direction and morals," he told IRIN/PlusNews. "We should emphasize postponement of sexual activity by encouraging these young people to embrace abstinence. How do I start encouraging my young girls to engage in sexual activity instead of concentrating on their academics?"

But Jean Marie Twahiirwa, business director at the International School of Kigali, says it is important for young people to be equipped with knowledge of and access to condoms.

"We should educate these young people about condom use and avail them because either way, they engage in sexual intercourse, so the earlier we teach them the better," he said. "I don't think this will necessarily push them into early sex because emphasis will be put on the essence of sexuality so that the students understand the rightful purpose of sex and condoms."


Loretta Umukunzi*, a student at the International School of Kigali, told IRIN/PlusNews she would not object to condoms being dispensed at her school. "I think it's OK since I see girls getting pregnant and dropping out of school," she said. "As long as they teach students how to use them properly then we shall not be faced with such problems again."


Early sex


According to a 2009 Behavioural Surveillance Survey, an estimated 6.1 percent of girls and 14.7 percent of boys aged 15-19 had their first sexual intercourse before the age of 15. The survey found that the percentage of comprehensive HIV knowledge among youth aged 15-19 was 9.4 percent for girls and 11 percent for boys.


Young women appear to be at higher risk of HIV, with the government reporting HIV prevalence among young women aged 15-24 at 3.9 percent, compared to 1.1 percent for young men in the same age group. The country's national prevalence is about 3 percent.


Deputy Speaker of Rwanda's parliament Jean Damascene Ntawukuliryayo has thrown his weight behind the campaign.


"I support the campaign. This will help us curb unwanted pregnancies in schools - of course not forgetting other solutions like involving parents in reproductive health education of their children and including such issues in the school curriculum," he said.


Officials at the Ministry of Health say while the distribution of condoms in secondary schools is not official government policy, the issue has been under debate for some time.


"Discussions have been ongoing between the Ministry of Education, the Ministry of Health and the National HIV Control Programme around the issues of the many cases of unwanted pregnancies, a clear indication that unprotected sex is real in secondary schools which could lead to the transmission of HIV," said Sabin Nsabimana, head of the HIV division at the Institute of HIV/AIDS Disease Prevention and Control at the Ministry of Health's Bio-Medical Centre.

Lessons from Home

Home has been wonderful! I came with 3 objectives:
1)Helping my friend and making a plan (The hardest things in life are the most worthy)
2)Family and friends (Family is just about everything to me. I miss you all!)
3)Re-focusing: heart, mind, and soul. (being away from everything you know makes you change and grow, I want to be sure who I am now still holds to my core ideals and morals)

As I set out to achieve these goals in my grand total of 10 DAYS in California, this is what I did--and learned as I went along:

Stream swimming: Mom, Kelsey, the dog, and I went for a quick dip after hiking in the hills near our home.

"The worst thing is to do a job you don't love. The most important thing in life is to love what you do. If you don't love it, don't do it." --Grandma (Margarita)

Carousel: Kelsey and I went to this carousel and had a great time!

Like Grandma says, "Never ask yourself 'WHY did I do this?!' or 'Why DIDN'T I do this?!' Live your life with no regrets."


After riding a zebra, an ostrich, a pig, and a deer, Kelsey and I were supposed to take the hot air balloon for a ride. Silly winds were too strong and we can come back another date.

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" -Dumbledore

Brother and sister. Who IS the oldest?
"Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice, and we welcome 'nerves' or any other shibboleth that will cloak our personal desire." -A Room with a View by E.M. Forster


My cousin's 3 month old baby is cute enough to make anyone want to have their own! Don't worry, this isn't a subtle hint that I'm next--I'm still light years behind.
"Who you are is God's gift to you; who you become is your gift to God"

Our family has about 6 August birthdays, I think they secretly planned this to cut down on party costs ;)
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude" -William James


Pupusas are the BEST food in the world! Grandma's pupusas are the best, of course, and they're getting international acclaim.
"Never be ashamed. Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle... you only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one." -Brida by Paulo Coelho.


Packing has become an art: this is my 3rd time going from California to Africa; the first time I took 30lbs. The second may have been just a carry. This time I've weighed almost EXACTLY 50lbs for my check-in, and my carry-ons are full enough to clothe me and my friends for a few weeks.

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Theresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Back in the Homeland

Everyone keeps asking what I plan on doing now that I'm back in the US.

First, I'm only here for 2 weeks: a quick vacation to use a plane ticket credit before it expired.

Second, (you may or may not know that I enjoy praying and practicing my faith, as such) I want to use ALL of my gifts and abilities to help people.

Third, I plan on eating Pizookie with my friends, and hanging out with my family.

Lastly, after focusing on learning and integrating into a foreign culture for the last 3 years, I want to re-focus myself and remember my own.

After this 2 week break in the states, I'll continue being a Peace Corps Volunteer until December of this year, then see where things take me. Maybe stay in Africa for a while? Not more than a few years. Maybe come home? Maybe come to the US in a different state? Who knows!

Rwandan Fashion

A very respectable couple posing for the camera. This is a very common pose in Africa (in my experience)




All kinds of foreign clothes end up in the local markets. This kid was just super cute.
(This is for you, Twin!!)

All about the hair. Love it.








The best in mother's fashion: flat-ironed hair, locally dyed fabrics (though not Kigali-local), golden jewelery, and a baby on the back.




Awesome old ladies at a party. what does YOUR grandma wear?





The beautiful bride at the civil ceremony.





Groomsmen and bridesmaid. So much fun!





These two are my favorite: not only cute as cake, but excellent at baking cake, too!






Peace Corps Volunteers, obviously super hot in the latest party fashion.

It can be difficult but...

When you look for the joy in life, you'll find that it's surrounding you on all sides.

1.Saying hello isn't just a quick wave of the hand as you rush by on the sidewalk. Here every friend you see on the street gets a hand shake--if not a hug-- inquiries about the family, health, work, etc.

2. It's totally cool to just randomly walk up to your friend's house and go to visit him/her. No call beforehand or any warning: there's always someone home and everyone will be happy to have you over. If your friend is there, they'll be stoked to have this surprise visit and you'll eat together--or at least get a Fanta. If your friend isn't there you can peace out or sit and chat with whoever IS there, and you'll probably eat--or at least get that Fanta!

3. A small girl saw me walking down the street and immediately hid in fear behind her mother's skirts. OK, not new for me. The mom was like, "No, go great that auntie!" So this little girl comes running up to me with open arms, greets me, and even kisses my cheek when I pick her up.

4. Interpersonal skills are so developed here: people will be chatting away on the bus then leave and exchange numbers... cause they just met! A few times I've been walking with a friend down the street, and s/he'll start talking or joking with someone on the street; I ask if they're friends, and s/he'll say, "No, we're just being friendly."

5. I've had more conversations than I can count on the downside of phones: you call a person and listen to his/her voice instead of going there and seeing your friend. Texting is even worse! Rwandans prefer to take the time and enjoy your friend's company over a mere telephone call. But they also understand that distance can be a problem: 1 minute phone calls are a common occurrence, literally just to say hello to someone. Or getting a phone call out of the blue, from a friend you haven't seen in a long time is not a problem, its totally welcome.

6. Everyone loves and knows the same music. A fellow PCV was on the bus and started to sing along with one of the Rwandan pop songs that came on the radio and before he knew it, the ENTIRE BUS was singing along with him at the top of their lungs.

7. Sonia* is 5 years old and we’re hanging out at Alphonsine’s*, she’s helping me cook and I’m keeping her warm in her meager skirt and holey shirt. We’re chatting about 5 year old things (strings, shoes, potatoes, friends etc) and she’s looking at my arm, sort of petting my arm hair, and goes “Your skin changed and you became a muzungu(white person).” I explain that I bathed and scrubbed REALLY hard, so my skin changed. "Oh, ok."
*names have been changed.

8. Family is number one on this continent. People are so dedicated to family: your salary is not yours, it is your brother's, your sister's, your nieces', nephews', mom's, dad's.... people give so freely, openly, and wholeheartedly to one's family.

9. Food is very important, especially at official functions: there is ALWAYS breakfast, a 10am tea break, lunch, a 4pm tea break, and dinner.

10. There is SUCH a healthy view of weight. Because of the popular belief that "bigger is better" especially with women, all shapes and sizes are accepted, talked about, commented on, and almost NEVER lamented. After a week of "official function" eating 5 times a day, I gained some weight (I don't have a scale, but I feel my clothes fitting tighter). Today at work there were at least 10 people that commented on my "getting fatter," complimenting my weight gain. At one time there was even a group of 5 women grabbing, holding, and lovingly squeezing my arms, stomach, love handles, and butt while proclaiming how fat I've become. AND I'M NOT OFFENDED.

11. Little drops of sunshine! It's totally sunny, like I could get a sunburn.... but its raining on me, too. I love it! I really just stood out in the little drops of sunshine for like 10 minutes, enjoying the spectacle.


12. Students' motivation and desire to improve, learn, and grow is phenomenal. As an coach, educator, and even as a student in the States, I've NEVER seen such dedication as I have here. Students know that education is their key to success, so if they are in school, they make it their full time job to study, beginning sometimes at 5 am, and usually ending at 8pm.

13. Boni and Nicole are two amazing women I work with: they give me hope for this country and these people. Both are educated, motivated, powerful individuals, working tirelessly for the good of the Rwandan people. They develop materials to educate the people, organize their peers to create social change, all while nursing babies under the age of 1. And Nicole is studying for her Master's in Public Health. Very impressive women.
I should mention there are 60 fantastic individuals in our office (majority Rwandans and/or Africans), focusing all of their efforts on developing the region.


14.The youth of this nation really, truly give me hope for the country and continent. They know the ethnic differences that separate them, but don't believe that it is worth it to recognize those differences. They've seen the hate that tore this country apart, and choose not to repeat the mistakes of their forefathers.

It's not all sweet bananas and pleasant breezes

I love Rwanda. Let me just say that. Africa is a wonderful place with lots to offer and wonderful people. But there are also things that get under my (already Africa-thickened) skin:

1. One cannot give compliments. It's very, VERY rare. They'd rather insult you as a joke and call it a good day. "Michele, why do you look like you just got out of bed? You look awful." "Go back to America, we don't want you here." Yes. Very Funny. Ha.

2. High power distance. People simply accept and unquestioningly yield to social status. The poor see themselves as less powerful, worthy, or influential. Not just accepting the rich as rich or the powerful as powerful. But also accepting yourself as powerless. Helpless. And insignificant. Unquestioningly. Just accepted.

3. A large measure of ignorance and a love of generalizations. "All white people have money, you can give me some, too." "You're intelligent because white people are rich and have no problems."

4. Girls, women, all females CANNOT whistle. Sometimes I do it any way, because its such a part of my family life (thanks, Dad) and I elicit looks and comments of horror and scandal!

5.The first thing asked of you is if you're married. Then, old men proceed to tell you if they weren't already married, they'd take you up! Young men say they're going to marry you. Its weird the first time. Funny the second. But just annoying thereafter.

6. Men and women can't be just friends. When ALL people adhere to this standard, keep this expectation, and act on it, there just aren't any men/women friendships. EVERY man and women only enter into a cross-gender relationship TO have sex. (Ok, not 100%, but the vast majority)

7. In everyone's claim to be super religious, pre-marital sex is harshly criticized. Young women that get pregnant without a husband are socially ostracized, gossiped about and can't really fit in to society as well as others.

8. Despite the above, an estimated 99% of teens and adults--married or not-- have sexual relations on a regular basis. They even tease, mock, and pressure those who don't. Young men will leave their girlfriends if they don't sleep with them. Girls are pressured by society, family, and friends to have a boyfriend and marry, so they feel trapped to sleep with a boyfriend or be left and consequently publicly disgraced.

9. Pretty much all married men also have a lover. Or 2. Or 3. on the side. Sometimes the wife knows who, sometimes not. But she pretty much takes it for granted that he's got someone else.

10.Rwandans--in general-- are very racist. The first thing they see is skin. Apparently, according to local belief, ALL people fit into two categories: Tutsi and Hutu (yes, 2 of the 3 ethnic groups terrorized by Genocide in 1994: Hutu majority slaughtered the Tutsi minority and any Hutu sympathizers). So, your average Rwandan will see a white person and categorize him as either a "White Tutsi" or a "White Hutu". Or about each other, "All Hutus lie!" or "All Tutsi are racist!" (I've heard BOTH in conversation)

11. Its normal, acceptable behavior to harass foreigners in the street. Not just begging, but mocking accents, pointing, staring, laughing at, and general rude (to a Western standard) behavior.

12. Rwandans don't like or trust foreigners. At first I wasn't sure. But I was told by 2 independent sources who are very trusted in my life, respected in the community, and honest people. Common Rwandans blame all white people for the Genocide. Other Africans are seen as leeches that have come to take from Rwanda.

13.When an outsider becomes very integrated into Rwandan culture and Rwandans recognize this, the FIRST quality is always the ability to lie. "Oh! That muzungu (white person) is soooo Rwandan: she knows how to lie!"

14. People do not help you out. Like if you're in trouble in the street, people would rather watch you get beaten, harassed, or abused than do anything about it.

15. People only seem to want you around as long as there is the hope of getting something from you: money. Marriage. Visa. Materials. Anything. Once they realize that you won't give, they're pretty much done with you. There are (thank God) some who are just nice people who are interested in your mind, heart, and thoughts, regardless of your giving or not giving.

16.People like to talk. They'll make a point. Then illustrate it. Then give an example. Then say it again in different words. Then give another example. Then explain what they mean. Then reiterate their point. And OMG its beating the danged dead horse over and over and over again. Meanwhile I can zone out and think about what I want to make for dinner and what I need to buy beforehand, contemplate my next steps in life, and remember pleasant family vacations from my youth. When I come to again, HE'S STILL MAKING HIS POINT.

Ok, my ranting is over. I promise to share all the things I love about this place, too. EVERY culture and country have good things and challenging things, and its beneficial to recognize both.

Wedding in Bungwe

Every place I've ever lived I've been so blessed to have a family there. As part of global humanity (yes, I'm quite idealistic), I've always been able to find people around me that accept me as their own and make me part of their family, and they become part of mine. That said, this is my big sister's wedding.

The Civil Ceremony
Around noon Innocent (the groom) came to pick us up at Dative's (my sister's), house to go to the Sector Office (local authorities). He came in a rented car (very typical) with a camera man (also totally normal) to get Dative, her Matron of Honor (someone like a godmother, a necessity in every Rwandan wedding), and two bridesmaids (me and another Rwandan girl, a longtime friend of Dative's).



We sat and listened for an hour to the local authorities discuss what marriage is and each person's role: mostly about togetherness, sharing, and respect. One thing stood out to me: it is legally WRONG for either person to deny sex to his/her partner. Of course he had to use examples to illustrate each point he made, so he said, "Well, Dative, you're a nurse. You can't come home one day and say, 'No, not tonight, I healed so many people at work today, I'm exhausted.' Work is work, you have to do yours." (Work being his "polite" way of saying sex)



After listening and learning, each had to hold a corner of the Rwandan flag, hold up the right hand (yes, holding it up that high is the local fashion) and read a short text saying that they accept________ (spouse's name) as husband/wife forever, etc. They both sign, we all clap and congratulate, then go outside for picture taking, as seen here.


The Cow Giving Ceremony
From there we all piled back into the cars--there were 5 in our parade (one was a 24-seater bus full of his family members)--to go from the office to Bungwe (home) for the dowry ceremony. There, we girls went inside to change into traditional Rwandan clothes and wait for our cue to exit.


Meanwhile, the bride's family, friends, representatives, etc. are all sitting under the tents, waiting to accept the groom's family, friends, delegation, etc. Each group sits on different sides of the compound, each with specific people with roles in the ceremony. The most vocal are: the MC (if available, usually only richer people seem to have one), an elder from the girl's side who directs, narrates, etc.; an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the girl, and an "old man" who speaks on behalf of the guy.

As the man's family presents their request for their son to marry the other's daughter, giving gifts and kind words, the two "old men" talk, banter, make jokes, and discuss, all in the traditional effort of measuring the humor, intelligence, and wit of the other family to see if they're worthy of their son/daughter. Though I've never seen it, I've been told that weddings have been canceled/postponed because one side or the other (usually the bride's side) doesn't accept the other's offer.



Once the groom's family has made their offer, giving a hoe or two for farming, a jerry can for beer, and other traditional symbolic items, we get the piece de resistance: the cow. The going rate for a well-educated girl is a cow plus about 400,000RWF (about $800.00). Or the equivalent in just cash. (Though if they opt to give only cash, the groom and a small delegation will likely come before hand, as Innocent had done the week before)

This man in a white robe with a stick and grass in his hand is the official Cow Inspector, or Singer of Cow Praises. He has (presumably) seen, inspected, and deemed the cow worthy of the dowry, and is now singing its praises into the microphone, so everyone knows its a good cow.



Let's say the old man from the groom's side is really witty and funny, and the old man from the bride's side gets along really well with him: the bride's family accepts the groom's offer. They ask for the name of the girl he wants to marry, he says it and they agree, they have a daughter by that name. So they bring out..... two little girls about 5 years old! Everyone laughs, the groom says, "No, not THAT Dative, the OTHER Dative!" its all a great joke (that happens at EVERY wedding) and everyone loves how cute the girls are.



More witty banter, more long winded speeches, and lots of happy people, THEN they call out the bride. She comes out with her attendants, each of them holding a symbolic traditional gift for a member of the groom's family: there's always a basket for the mom, a woven grass rug for an elder, a hat and cane for the dad, and a secret for the groom--I think its underwear.



The groom also has attendants with gifts for the bride's family and for the bride. The ceremony of giving gifts culminates in him giving her a bouquet of flowers with an engagement ring in a miniature basket tucked inside the flowers (Dative's is a gorgeous golden ring elegantly set with a giant diamond).



More speeches, witty banter, and long-winded African speeches about the families and togetherness (well, not too long: since all the work is done now everyone wants to get a move on!) and we eat a feast. The bride's family gives the groom's family some more drinks as gifts to take with them, and there's more jokes and laughter; here the old man said his girl the nurse (Dative) has provided some good medicine to heal any problem: wine, beers, and local equivalents to vodka.



Then the wedding is over, the bride and groom are officially married, and we all get to go home. But not before the two of them come inside with the elders in their family for a bottle of champagne and more drinks.




I loved being with my big sister to support and help her with such a big step in life. (I also loved feeling like a My-Size Barbie doll playing dress up. LOVED IT!)

Kigali Life

Now that I've extended my service for a 3rd year as a Peace Corps Volunteer, I'm working in an actual western office in Kigali, the capital of Rwanda. I work 8am-5pm at CHF International, an NGO (non-government organization) in operation all over the world. In Rwanda, we're working on the Higa Ubeho program:




Over the life of the program, orphans and other vulnerable children (OVC) and people living with HIV and AIDS and their families will be encouraged to utilize the available community-based services to live a more productive life. This includes helping vulnerable youth to access life skills education, and peer mentoring activities that will enable them to go to school, to stay in school, and to perform well in school. USAID/Higa Ubeho plans to work with 240 schools in 10 districts to help vulnerable youth to set personal goals for their future, and to identify and reach out to trusted adults and peers for support to overcome key challenges.



I develop materials to send out to these OVC to inspire them: we're working on after school empowerment clubs for these youth, along with different "summer camps," newsletters, radio programs, and comic books to reach communities all over the country.

My typical day (such a change from the bush village in the middle of nowhere--where I lived for the past 2.5 years) includes the rush to get on a 21-seater van, with elbows flying and people in business suits slyly trying to squeeze you out of their way. After securing a butt cheek on a squished seat, I have to really pay attention to where we are or I may miss my stop. I have to look out the window, recognize my stop, knock on the window with a coin so they know I want to stop, they pull over, people have to get up out of their seats to let me by (think of those long car trips with kids in the back, back seat...), I pay the 120 francs (about $0.25 US dollars) then have a short walk on a dusty drive.

Our office is an actual, Western office where we dress well, have meetings, luncheons, email, post documents, update our partners, and negotiate the terms of things. All very official business.

My home--the Bungalow-- is a small, 3 bedroom, white-washed house on a family compound. I even have electricity, running water and....A SHOWER! Like I said, a real step up from the mud brick house I've been living in.

The coolest thing is using my past experiences in ways that even my colleagues can't share. Because I've lived and taught in rural African villages, I can share the challenges that local teachers, students, and community members face, making me capable of describing the viability of our proposed projects and materials. (you see how official office language is getting to me?!)

Meanwhile, I keep in touch with my friends and family in the village, getting all the latest gossip and visiting with close friends.

Each step in my Peace Corps life has prepared me for the next, making me a more productive and informed team member. I look forward to what's next!